My time at Elms Village

On thursday night I finally left Elms forever. I'll just write about my experience there. To put it simply it was amazing! The rooms may be on the cold side, the walls unplastered, the kitchens somewhat dodgey but it still was a wonderful place to live. I lived in Chestnut Crescent 4 on the ground floor which also happened to be quiet living. Funny enough when you actually wanted silence it tended to get pretty loud.
There are allot of aspects which will make your time at Elms good. First port of call is the room itself and its location. I was ground floor which is handy in terms of stairs but crappy when it comes to outside noise especially drunk people. Every day through the week a group of drunks coming back from a night out could be heard at 3 in the morning, most of the time telling their life story right outside my window.
The room colour can also matter if you're a girl and want to colour co ordinate your room. Mine was green, Seans blue and Ryans yellow. Personally I loved the green the best. My en-suite made the room better too even though it resembles a tardis in the corner of your room.
Next part is the floor of people you live with. I lived with a bunch of internationals who didn't speak much and those who were nice transferred rooms within the first month so it was crappy. One of the other guys on my floor was a bit of a perve so I ended up avoiding them altogether.

Will you miss Elms?
YES! The independence and privacy Elms provides is second to none. Its brilliant having your own space to chill and relax. While you are there, Elms will become your home and feel like it too. Lurgan just became a hotel for me and never felt like home at all. It still doesn't now. I'm pretty sure I'll get homesick for Elms soon enough. All the fun there with your friends will be missed too. Sitting in, eating dominoes and watching some tv or a movie together was so good followed by conversations about the most random things. The odd predrink was good too. Having a place to call home is amazing. There is no rules or restrictions. Whatever you say or do there is up to you. Your time there will fly there so much, it did for me :(

Did elms meet your expectations?
Nope.... When I first went there I honestly expected it to be different. First thing you'll realise is the elms events arent what they're cracked up to be. I actually only went to 2 events while I was there. The trips are pretty useless if you go home at the weekend aswell. I also expected to stay at Elms full time never coming home at the weekend but it really isn't financialy feasible plus if everyone else heads home aswell it gets pretty lonely. The security can be alittle over the top sometimes but it does the job and they have stopped some annoyances.

I really will miss it though. A house is going to be weird to get used to and I know I will miss the privacy of Elms but you have to move on to better things :)

Course Dilema

My current course at uni is BENG computer science. I now have the choice of changing courses or moving on with computer science. I really don't know what to do. I have so many choices ahead of me.

My choices:

• BENG Computer Science
• MENG Computer Games Development
• BENG Software Engineering
• BSC Computing and Information Technology

So far I think I'll stick with Computer Science but a part of me wants to do Games Development. The other courses don't really interest me. For many years I had my heart set on games development until my mum got ill. Since games development is pretty much guaranteed to require you to move away for a job I was against it. After my mum passed I decided I wanted to see the world and with my avid love of games it was a perfect course. In fact the only reason I chose Computer Science was for me to transfer into games Dev in my second year. I never thought my heart would settle on computer science as much as it did due to a couple of reasons. Now my love of games that was pretty strong then has waned quite a bit. I do still love games but nowhere near the extent I did.

In terms of enjoyment I know I would enjoy games development so much more. The modules would be more suited to me and I would enjoy the application of C#/C++ on games so much more.

Though my main turn offs are the group project that you have to take and also the compulsory module of databases.

In terms of future employment, with a degree in game dev I would have a few opportunities in other software companies but I would be largely tied to the game sector. Considering one of my dreams is to work for Nintendo, Square Enix or Naughty Dog, perhaps that would be a good thing, lol. Computer Science would give me allot of opportunities around the world in almost any company :S

Its such a hard decision. Should I go with my head or my heart? Ugh!! Annoyingly my heart is divided too -_-

Being a Repeat

If you know me personally you'll know I had to repeat a year at school due to sad circumstances. Its one part of my life I haven't spoke much about to people.

Why repeat?
I'll be honest I never intended to repeat the year at all. It was coming up to the final week before St Micks started the new school year. I was expecting to enter year 14 with allot of catch up on the As exams I never had the chance to take. Just a mere 3 days before I was to start back I got called into school and was asked to repeat the year as it was out of my best interests. I was quite taken back since it was one situation I never thought I would be placed in even then. I sat in shock and silence trying to think of what to do. I was being asked to go into a year group I didn't know, to redo work I had already done, to stay an extra year I never expected. I decided to take it on the condition that I got to stay in my old form class and be allowed to interact with my own year in events such as the formal.......a decision I now regret allot. I was given the option of keeping my current As levels or change them up. I decided to keep them. I left in a daze, unable to comprehend what choice I had just made for myself. The main reason I had to repeat was not due to the results I got that year but the quantity of exams I had completed. I had only done one maths exam C1, 2 Physics exams and an Ict exam. Ict coursework was left undone, physics practical was never completed and 2 maths exams were never attempted. Looking back now I wouldn't of been able to do all that work in one year without losing my sanity.

How was it?
I wont sugar coat it. In my first year of it I hated it with a passion. Many wouldn't know but my old year more or less disowned me and I had entered a year group that hadn't accepted me. I never felt so alone and lost. I just got into the attitude I wasn't there to make friends. I was there to get grades and get out of there as soon as possible.
After my mum dying and being in 2 car accidents, I just wasn't in a good place. I was pretty closed off from the world (not the best personality to make friends with). For the first week I didn't speak a word to anyone at all. I just didn't know what to say to people. At the time I just thought everyone would've thought I was lazy and stupid. I didn't want to admit my reasons about being there since it was still such a sensitive topic and generally it just made people uncomfortable when it was brought up. The second week I started talking to what I would call the other outsiders of the year group. They too didn't have many friends and basically they never knew I was a repeat so I felt like I wasn't being judged and I didn't have to explain myself.
The first person to speak to me, just so happened to be a weirdo so I spoke away to him easily. I apparently ended up being one of his only true friends in the school and also ended up being his apparent crush. (Dunno how true that was lol. I doubt it.)

Another one I became friends with started out pretty nice but by the end of the year unknown to others in that year, he managed to tear my confidence down to nil (made fun of my appearance, sensitive subjects I trusted him with, my weight, my As grades and also which is sick, the fact I was a repeat). In that first year I bearly went out of the 3 people I had chose as friends. I didn't speak to them outside school at all but they were all I had. I sat at lunch with my old year, hearing about the formal, uni choices, etc......all that just broke me down. I didn't even know what courses my old friends even applied to, I was that disjointed from them. By summer my grades came and they were much better but I was still disappointed. The year before had docked my confidence and the state of depression I was in without proper friends made my grades slip badly from the high achieving student I once was.
Even though my grades weren't great, I was confident small changes would make me improve. For my second year I had to finally let go of my old year and embrace the new. I had to pick a form class the May previous and due to a certain friend not telling me he was leaving before it was too late I was stuck in a form class I knew no one in. Upon leaving at the end of the year I knew....3 of them. I hated that form class with a passion! I really regret my choice. If I had longer, there was a class I knew many people from and I know I would 've been much happier in it. The formal came up and frankly looking back now it was better than my years formal but I still regret going. It wasn't and never would be my year group. I was an outsider and that was pretty much cemented in my mind. At this point of the year I nearly dropped out. My own teachers had little faith in me. (One telling me to my face that Queens was out of the question and Magee was unlikely).I was scared and beat down with a large lack of friends around me and no one I could tell all this stuff to, not even my own family.
Moving on, not having my old year made me have to socialise more leading to making  proper friends. At Christmas, one Ict trip literally changed my life and gave me the best friend I could ever ask for. Though we didn't properly bond until that easter after the ice was broken. Also around that time my ucas application was sent but I held little hope due to my past. Shortly after though I started receiving offers and i'm not ashamed to admit I cried with happiness because its an event I was sure would never happen. At that moment I knew my mum was there with me, I could actually feel it. Moving on to revising for A2s. I was doing hopeless. My January results were disgraceful and reflected all the hope I had lost at the start of that year. By easter one person changed that and gave me quite the motivation to revise my ass off which made such a difference. Having a goal can change things around so much. One exam in particular C2 is the cause of easily one of my closest relationships with a friend. With that person my confidence slowly grew to the point I thought I could actually meet my offers. I could actually get into queens and thankfully I was dead right. Any moment my confidence dropped and I was on the verge of giving up (do A2 physics and you'll understand) he reassured me and I got that confidence back. Coming up to the end of year school events I just refused to take part. It wasn't my year and I wasn't a part of it. By this stage, repeating the year was the best thing I ever did thanks to a few kind people :D

Do you regret it?
Nope, it is one single thing that was hard as hell to do but it gave me some of the best friends I couldn't live without now. A small price to pay I guess, haha.

What about now?
Well in terms of my old year, once they left I literally lost all contact and haven't messaged any of them since. I was abandoned by that year but after being to uni myself I no longer blame them like I once did. I don't speak to any of them now nor know what they are doing with themselves. The outsider friends I made are all gone now too but the core friends I made in the new year have stuck with me. I will say though probably to some annoyance that I am still ashamed to be a repeat even though I had my reasons. I'm quite subconscious about the age difference but its not a big issue. I'm just thankful it turned out ok in the end.

Stereotypes

One thing that really gets on my nerves are stereotypes. I think I defy most if not all of them that relate to me to be honest. Stereotypes judge people before they know them. One phrase can't define a world of people its just plain stupid! Here's a few I defy......atleast I think I do.

"Only guys should play games past childhood" - emmm, NO! I don't understand the difference between guys and girls here. Girls can play games too. I may not jump into Xbox Live games shouting down a headset but I do play games too and see no reason why I shouldn't.

"Shooting/Horror/Action/Insert genre games are just for guys to play"
"Girls just play stupid games like Nintendogs and Animal Crossing"
"Girls are crap at playing games"
- Personally I have heard all these and I defy them all. While i'm not obsessed with those kinds of games I do infact enjoy them. I play pretty much every genre of game and I may not be the best at playing them I'm also not the worst either.

"Games are for children only" - No, no they aren't. Yes you are free to have your opinion on this but I don't see why the audience of games should be limited. Like movies, games are interactive media that tell a story via video, graphics, cgi and sound. Playing games makes the story come more alive than a movie and is so much more interesting.  There are games for children, games for adults and games for everyone else too. There are no limitations at all. Hundreds of people work together to develop the games and some pretty intricate stories can be told. Stories that are infact as fleshed out and deep as many novels.

"People are fat because they eat too much and don't exercise" - This one is very personal to me and annoys me like no other. In terms of exercise I mightn't do much noteworthy now, I actually used to be a very sporty child who partaken in 3 sports pretty regularly including after school. I also walked over 2 miles everyday to get to school and back and ate healthier than most people my age.
In terms of eating I would be the opposite. Without getting into too much detail, what I would eat in a day or sometimes in a few days is actually considered the level of anorexic intake. I don't stuff my face constantly like many would think nor do I constantly lie on my ass. While I agree that sometimes that stereotype is true it isn't always and big people shouldn't be judged the way they are.

"Only guys do Computing Courses" - While the intake of Computing related courses are male dominated the number of girls are increasing. Nuff said I do Computer Science.

"Girl's are stupid at Computer Science" - Just UUUGGGHHH! This one frustrates me to no end. Its just plain sexist. In secondary school and upper sixth I maintained my position as top of ICT. Now i'm doing my course, I would be considered to be in the top end of people in it. I have no idea where I stand in rank but i'm up there somewhere. Infact, some of the guys on that course are so clueless. I know of 4 guys atleast who have failed atleast one first year module in January. My group project further advanced my view with 3 out of 5 people in it taking my work and claiming it as their own or plagiarising it. It's a complete joke!

"If you repeat the year you were stupid or lazy" - No, no i wasn't. Between my mums illness, death and  a car accident, I simply wasn't in school enough to learn the content for my exams. I was only able to take 4/8 exams in Summer, it was impossible for me to continue onto the next year. Out of the 4 exams I did one of them I had to teach myself completely from scratch in the space of a few weeks (may I mention that it was also AS Physics and also that I got third in my class regardless?). I got stick off a few people for repeating the year who will remain unnamed but yeah.....I had my reasons.

"Anime is childish!" - While anime is cartoon animation, the stories they tell are so much more mature than what is told here. It isn't childish in any respect.

"You are being quiet, you mustn't like me" - In general I am a quiet person and if I don't know you will I will act very awkward. I'll probably stare at the wall, ground or into space. I'll not speak much and may look intimidated and uncomfortable. None of that behaviour is because I don't like you, its simply one of my flaws making it hard for me to know what to say to people. The odds are I actually do like you but I don't know how to speak to you yet.

Phobias

I'm a person who really is afraid of ALLOT though not the things most people would expect. I'm not scared of spiders or heights or small spaces. Infact most of the common phobias people have I simply don't. Below is a list of every phobia I consider myself to have. Some are pretty irrational and strange but ahwell, I can't help it. Some I know what triggered the phobias and some I don't have a baldy.

• Amaxophobia - Fear of riding in a car - I have a slight case of this which flares up when the person is driving very fast or stops suddenly - This is due to me being in 2 car accidents.

• Angrophobia - Fear of anger or of becoming angry - Even though I don't get angry that often compared to the average person I am scared of what I may say or how I will react to that anger. Normally anger makes me more self destructive as opposed to hurting other people.

• Anthropophobia - Fear of people or society - this is one of my most despised phobias that I recently developed. I get panicky and scared being on my own around a bunch of people - This has happened due to one uni night out that went really wrong and allot of crap happened.

• Atychiphobia - Fear of failure - I've always been a self confessed perfectionist and being forced to repeat actually brought this fear into me. Now every exam or test I attempt I get worried and scared to the point of sickness. Even finding out I got one question wrong makes me irrationally scared.

• Decidophobia - Fear of making decisions - I've always had this. In general I will avoid making any decisions in general and will go along with what other people want to do. Being faced with decisions make me panic.

• Globophobia - Fear of balloons - This is one of my worst. If surrounded by balloons and people attempting to pop them I will probably cry, get breathless and have a panic attack. - I know the time it started and also what happened when it started but haven't got a clue how it got so bad so quickly.

• Interview Phobia- Fear of Interviews

• Katagelophobia- Fear of ridicule

• Phonophobia- Fear of loud noises - Its not major but basically anything like party poppers, balloons or fireworks up close scare the life out of me.

• Social Phobia- Fear of being evaluated negatively in social situations along with other things

• Telephonophobia-  Fear or reluctance of making or taking phone calls - I have this one pretty bad. The sheer act of talking on the phone makes me really panicky to the point I just avoid making calls or answering them altogether.

Losing my Mum

This is one topic believe it or not sometimes I like to talk about. During the time this all happened my friend base was pretty limited and I held everything inside myself up until the end and even afterwards. Any time I bring it up now, most people understandably become quiet and try to change the topic so i'll voice it all here. I'm not seeking pity, I simply want to tell people the reality of cancer and to let out everything I never had the chance to then. This is the story from diagnosis to the end and little of the aftermath.

If you know me personally you know I lost my mum a few years ago to cancer. It has easily been the hardest  few years of my life. It changed me as a person, in so many ways that most who knew me then, say i'm completely unrecognisable now.

This is how it all began.

All the way back in Christmas 2008, my mum appeared visibly wore out. She complained of a few different symptoms, that all were concerning but we never thought it would've turned out to be that. At the time all the information was hidden from me and I had no idea what was happening. When she went to the doctor the first time he said it was simply stress and nothing to worry about. As my mum also had the condition Multiple Sclerosis for over 10 years at the time so they blamed that condition for any unexplained problems. One month later things got worse and my mum once again returned to the doctors. She was then diagnosed with heart palpitations and told to take some medication. At the time nurses who knew my mum insisted on blood tests and went behind the doctors back and ordered them. When the doctor found out about this he got pretty angry and complained it was a complete waste of money and it was unnecessary.....little did we know that those blood tests flagged up a very serious problem I wasn't aware of and my mum was rushed to hospital for an MRI scan. Shortly after in January the night before my first GCSE exam that year (maths) my mum was rushed to hospital. I just went into school in tears for no explanation and decided to sit the test and not let on to the school what was happening. Sadly the scan brought up a lump in her small intestine. I was told none of this of course.

2 Months later my mum was admitted to hospital to get the lump removed. I was simply told it was a polyp that needed removed. It was tiny and nothing to worry about at all. My mum would be fine and out the next day. Sadly at the same time my uncle had died of cancer and I was away to the funeral on my mums behalf. Straight after the funeral some of my family including me went to the hospital to see how my mum was doing. We walked into the ward and she was sitting up in the seat with a smile on her face. All seemed well but I was not ready for what I was about to hear. When we got to my mum she just whispered to my dad that something had went wrong and the surgeon wanted to talk to him. He was taken away for about 20 minutes then came back pretty distraught. He just came out with that a large cancerous tumour had been found that was far too big to remove. They had no choice but to cut around it and leave it there. At that moment I just burst out crying and i'll admit went pretty hysterical. So much so I had to go to a family room to calm down. I was shaking all over and nearly fainted. I actually had no idea what was happening. My mum just felt unusually tired...that was it.....well...the only part I was actually told. Instead of my mum getting upset she actually just got angry at my dad for announcing that infront of me. I was never meant to know....even if that was the outcome. The only time my mum ever broke down was when she seen me in tears over the news. We followed on being told that it was pretty advanced but they would do everything they could. This was March and my summer GCSE's were dawning.

So, I was off school for 2 days with no explanation. When I went back to St Micks I refused to talk to anyone. I was still in shock and in a daze. I just got an absence slip saying I was sick. I had agreed to myself that the school nor anyone in my year was to find out about it. I didn't want peoples pity nor anyone to nosy into my affairs. My friends in school I just wasn't close enough to, to talk about it so I kept silent. About  3 weeks later when my mum had started Chemo and I was forced to act as carer and also visit the hospital everyday on other occasions I was forced to tell my art teacher what was happening as I no longer could keep up with deadlines. I explicitly said that I wanted the fact kept quiet and no other staff or student to know about it.......but the next morning.........every staff member knew and more against my will some of my 'friends' were told too as the school had assumed I had said. The workload for me was cut down which was good but the lack of student confidentiality just made me sick, stressed and worried. To add more to it one of my friends was actually asked to spy on me and to tell the staff member what i was saying and what was happening in my family. It was such an invasion of privacy and still makes me angry to this day.

Moving on in time, I was helping my mum do things and also revising for my GCSE's and doing coursework including art at the same time. Some of the st micks staff were pretty rude about my situation telling me to give up abit of my social life to do the work (Little did they know I had none what so ever. I had become a shadow of myself and refused to talk to anyone outside school). A-Level choices were also on the agenda and I decided that under my current stress and also that my mum would need time to get out of the woods I opted for 3 A-levels much to the schools dismay since at the time I was in the top 20 in the year. (Maths, Physics and ICT). I finally took my GCSE's and got through them pretty smoothly. I easily absorbed information then so revision wasn't really an issue for me. Come summer I had got my results and I got 2A*s, 6As and 2Bs. I was a few marks off a few more A*s so I was pretty pleased with my performance.

Following these results, me and my mum were called into the school for a chat twice. Each time the school was begging me to undertake a fourth A-Level. Each time I said no giving my valid reasons and my mum backed me up on the pressure I was currently under. The school accepted this ......for awhile.

Shortly after results I was called into St Micks for a photo for GCSE performance. The Vice principal used that for his advantage. he asked me to go to his office after and forced me to take a fourth A-Level against my will, literally not allowing me to leave the office before choosing one and also not until he had a little dig at how disgraceful the 2 Bs I got were. In terms of my mums treatment it was going really well. The tumour had shrunk quite abit and the doctors were pretty pleased and confident with the results.

So I kicked off AS with 4 A-Level's. My brothers wedding was at the end of September and we all attended. My mum tried her best to go but you could tell it was a struggle for her :( The wedding did go well but unfortunately 2 weeks later my mum took a turn for the worst. She had collapsed and was rushed to hospital. Even though it was 7 months before she died, it was more or less the last time she was going to be in my house. She only returned for 2 days.

During the first months in hospital we thought it was just flu and her immune was too weak to handle it well. She had unexplained constant vomiting and also was getting blood clots. Once again there was something really sinister going on and my family was hiding things again.

One day I was really happy. I had excelled at a maths class test and I thought I was getting myself back on track again until I started walking home and my dad came to pick me up. the moment I got in the car he blurted out some news I just couldn't digest. Apparently my mum had an operation that i was never told about but it was unsuccessful. I was told my mum had to get her leg amputated. The reason wasn't known until later but the tumour inside her had got so big it was crushing the main blood vessel to her leg cutting off the blood supply and everything they tried to do failed. Once again I just broke down for a few days.

I went to the hospital to face my mum the night before the operation. I tried to keep strong but my reaction told everything. I was pale white, no rosy cheeks in sight, shaking, zoning out and pretty silent. The worry and stress had got to me to the point it had affected my health.

The operation was a success and we thought this was all we had to worry about but no it wasn't. One month later we were told there was an infection and the healing in one area just wasn't happening very well.........that wasn't the reason.

This is the most shocking part of my mums cancer that im sure people just like me did not know could happen. Basically my mums tumour had progressed so far that it had bore a hole in her body to the outside. If you looked into the hole you would see the small intestine....thats how far it had progressed unnoticed...... Sometimes liquid from the intestines would leak out the hole.

Shortly after we were told it was coming to the end and there was nothing they could do. My mum had went into a coma like state. She didn't have the strength to eat or speak. The change had happened so much it made me ill. I'll be honest and say I took a breakdown. Even though my mum had cancer and all these terrible things had happened I thought the cancer was under control like they had said. We were VERY wrong though. After a week of unexplained absence from St Micks I announced to my form teacher I wouldn't be back for awhile and also requested to be withdrawn from the work experience I had to do.

That night she got the last rites and we just sat and held her hand hoping the best. After that a miracle happened. The next day my mum had exited the coma like state and was sitting up eating away and watching tv. It was amazing but it also confused us about what was happening. It was a crazy change.

A month after that my mum came home for a week. I became a full time carer and I also tried to work on my AS's at the same time at home. Nuff said that was too much pressure and I ended up collapsing from exhaustion a few times. I hid that fact from  my mum as much as I could but it ended up getting back to her and she requested to go into a nursing home. I can still remember her words to me now. "You want me to get better don't you? I just need to rest and get taken care of for awhile then i'll be back for good."........She left that room and never returned until her wake :'(

She spent the rest of her time in a nursing home until her final week. The nurses there got concerned and could just tell it was near the end. The Macmillian nurses then looked after her. It was coming up to Easter and they requested she be sent to Newry Hospice for care until they came back.. She left the next afternoon to Newry Hospice and I had one day out with my friend to lisburn (Literally the second time I had left the house to go somewhere apart from school or hospital since my mum had been diagnosed). I got a phonecall 2 hours after I got that the end was basically in a few hours and i had to go home.

I went to Newry Hospice and held my mums hand until she went into a coma. We had a bedside vidual until she died the next morning at 6.03am on April 3rd 2010.

I broke down at the wake, funeral and afterwards. I was forced to grow up and became a complete shadow of myself. I didn't speak to anyone much any more and I avoided returning to school for 1 month. More things happened to me that i'll not bother mentioning. Only one i'll mention is basically 2 weeks after I returned to school i was in a car accident and had to take more time off school. I ended up withdrawing from most of my exams and repeated the year.

Truth be told I didn't get myself back again until 2012 all thanks to Sean and Ryan :)

Just going to finish off by saying my mum was the most inspirational person in my life and I love her so much. I miss her so much every day. She was the most important person in my life and a person I looked up to. I will never get over losing her.

RIP mum <3

University Life

Since my first year of university is over so I guess i'll write something about my experience. My experience has been pretty varied throughout and its caused so many emotions in me. I go to Queens University in Belfast and I do Computer Science.

The Beginning: At first I was pretty excited and also really scared. The thought of moving from the comfort of what Upper Sixth provided to the big bad world was crazy. It was amazing though. Everything was new. I had just moved out and finally got the independence I wanted. Freshers was alright I guess but nowhere near as good as people hyped it up to be.

Starting classes: Lectures were class tbh. They were so different to what I was used to at school. The content was pretty exciting which proves how nerdy I am. Some lecturers were absolutely AWFUL though. Some were just too hard to understand and allot of independent study was needed.

The people: My course is filled up with a varied bunch of people. Some are so nice and are a joy to talk to and I would love to know them better.....but on the other hand there is some of the worst people I have met in my life there. Some who go out to put people down or try to be better than others.

Bad Times: As there are ups there are also downs. Basically allot of crap went down and a person took advantage of my trust. Lesson well learned. Second bad time is the work load. Some of the work load can build up to the point of craziness. Mixed with a lack of confidence in the field you're working in is a bad mix.

Good Times: Getting to partake in a course I enjoy. It has its tough moments but in the end its bringing me closer to something I could do in the future for myself. Also getting closer to one of my friends who joins me on the course. We have had so many laughs together about the silliest things, lol :L

Future?: Well i'll be moving to level 2 first of all where i'll have to pick a few modules to undertake and also a fuckload of placement applications and interviews to go through. That's pretty scary. After that is the decision to stay on the BENG or transfer to the MENG qualification and the placement itself. I really hope to go somewhere that'll boost my confidence and bring me out of my shell. America would be a dream to go to or even Japan or Australia. After that year i'll have to move on to third year of learning. Next the choice of graduating or doing a Masters then being released into the big bad world. I have no idea what will happen after that.

Uni is by far the most unpredictable time of my life. Its also flew like nothing normal. I hope the good times continue :)

Random Questions

First of all I guess i'll start this blog with a few questions about myself and who I am.

1.      If you could do one thing over in your life, what would it be?

I guess I would say my secondary school life again. During that time you develop as a person, make friends who would make you who you were going to be and so on. I never took full advantage of that time. I had few friends and as such never really developed proper social skills :S

2.      What makes you happy?

Sounds cheesy but my friends. Doing things with people who care about you just makes me smile. Even stranger is probably my need to do nice things for other people. I’m never fully happy unless i’m getting someone a present, helping them out or cheering them up.

3.      Looking back on your life, what do you regret?

I regret letting so many people take advantage of me physically and mentally. I would be a much more confident person if I was able to get away from all that.

4.      What do you believe to be true?

Nothing is true, everything is permitted.

5.      Who’s had the greatest influence on your life and why?

One of my closest friends Sean. He’s a person whos experiences in life, feelings in some respect and personality are really close to mine making him pretty relatable to me. When I met him I wasn’t in a very good place in my confidence or mind. His whole presence in a sense gave me motivation to finish my A-Levels and later to excel at my course. Although my confidence isn’t the greatest it has still made leaps and bounds all thanks to him.

6.      What are the qualities that you admire in your friends?

There’s many things but most important are kind, honest and trustworthy.

7.      What is the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?

Having to say goodbye to my mum for the very last time.

8.      How would you describe yourself?

A crazy, weird person who worries far too much. I’m pretty nice I guess, I care quite abit about the people around me and i’m really stubborn, haha. I’m very quiet and have really low self esteem but I try my hardest in everything.

9.      What’s a secret ambition of yours?

I want to succeed in life. A main ambition would be to find a place for me on this planet to move and live happily, hopefully have a family of my own and have a successful career in a computing field.

10.  Who in your life would you like to thank and for what?

Again Sean for his friendship and constant support J

11.  What principles have guided your life?

Treat others as you would like to be treated.

12.  What makes you sad?

Being let down by people you trusted, also getting high hopes for things that don’t happen.

13.  What’s the most important lesson you’ve learned in your life?

Not all people in this world are nice. There are people who will take advantage, manipulate and hurt you if given the opportunity.

14.  How would you like to be remembered?

 A kind person who made a difference to someones life. Who tried their best for all around.

15.  What does love mean to you?

Caring about someone more than yourself.

16.  What do you still want to accomplish?

 I want to get a good job in an IT company.

17.  What’s one thing you’d like to change about yourself?

My appearance or else my constant worry.

18.  What event in your life would you like to live over and why?

The day I got into uni. I have never felt like i’ve ever accomplished something major until then.

19.  What are you avoiding?

Thinking about having to say goodbye.

20.  What are your best qualities?

My kind nature I guess.

21.  What’s the kindest thing you’ve done for someone?

I can’t really say :S Maybe the scrapbook i did for Seans birthday or else buying things for people to cheer them up when they’re down.

22.  What are the advantages of getting older?

You slowly become more mature and develop as a person.

23.  Who has been the most important person in your life? Can you tell me about him or her?

My mum. She was such a strong woman who had many tragic things happen to her and so many challenges to overcome but she did it all without every complaining. She was always so kind and supportive.

24.  What was the happiest moment of your life? The saddest?

Happy – getting into uni. Sad – My mum passing away.

25.  Who has been the kindest to you in your life?

Sean I guess :L *cheese*

26.  When in life have you felt most alone?

Losing my mum with absolutely no support from friends what so ever. Easily the loneliest i’ve ever felt.

27.  Do you have any regrets?

Yep

28.  What does your future hold?

I really don’t know and that fact scares me :/

29.  Is there anything that you’ve never told someone but want to tell someone?

Yep

30.  Where did you grow up?

Lurgan the shithole

31.  What was your childhood like?

It was pretty lonely to be honest. I had few friends and the ones I did have were fakes....

32.  How would you describe yourself as a child? Were you happy?

Pretty quiet and misunderstood. I was relatively until I realised quite a few things were missing.

33.  Did you enjoy school?

It was fair enough.

34.  What kind of student were you?

I was pretty creative and averagely academic.

35.  Are you still friends with anyone from that time in your life?

Nope

36.  Can you tell me about your first kiss?

Basically it was forced upon me and I still don’t consider i’ve had the first proper one yet.

37.  Do you believe in love at first sight?

You can get attracted yeah but not love.

38.  Have you experienced any miracles?

I’ve experienced 2 I can think of.

39.  Do you believe in God?

Yep

40.  Do you believe in the after-life? What do you think it will be like?

Yep. I’m not really sure.

41.  Do you think about dying? Are you scared?

Sometimes yeah but i’m not scared.